Feeling a grief I feel I don’t deserve.

When I was young, I was a connection seeker. I wanted people to see me and I wanted to know them. I had no real requirements other than being seen. It was about sharing a moment, or two, and living life through connection - that little something else I felt when I learnt a little more about life through other people.

I worked in my friendships, much to the disdain of loved ones. In their opinion, I worked too hard and didn’t get return value. I didn’t see it like that, I saw a different value, but I let their thoughts wear at me. Then life wore at me, and I changed. I needed to change, but...

I stopped working at friendships. I came running when they asked, but I stopped preemptively ‘working’ and those friendships diluted, dwindled, and sometimes disappeared.

This week, two people I used have in my life and then write to regularly, died. People that played a part in my life, and who I am. People I had love for, and showed me love in return. Relationships I let dwindle. So now I am here, regretting. The Christmas messages never sent. The hand made ‘get well soon’ card still sitting on the side table.

Here I am now, feeling a grief I feel I don’t deserve.

Life has taught me a painful lesson. One I don’t fully understand yet. It hurts, oh it hurts, so it must be pretty important.

Send the message. Send the text. Send the email. Write the postcard. Drop off some flowers picked from your garden. Love on the good people who have ever once loved on you. Let the tears in my coffee be your spur. Let the price I pay be the gift you give to someone who will value it.

Send love.

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As always, if you are feeling troubled, please consider whether you think you would benefit from getting relevant support. https://helplines.org/helplines/ Please also remember that it is important to safeguard yourselves as you try and be there for others. © Highcroft Writing 2022