Online Life - A gentle reminder...

When I first started delving in an online life, I was a few months postpartum. A first-time mother, I had a new baby with an undiagnosed illness and, sadly, other elements of life were weighing on me. Practically, I was not in a position to be exploring all the joys that life has to offer. Dipping in to other peoples lives, at a time that was convenient to me, was a mental holiday I could give myself during the many times I had a feeding baby on my breast. Whatever the time of day, whatever the state I was in, there was a world available to explore. Although I was trapped, immovable, below a baby I so desperately wanted to drift into sleep, I could be whisked away to wherever my mood fancied.

This was new to me. My online presence had been limited prior to this period, and in retrospect, I think I had been, ‘too busy’ to explore the online world. New motherhood had me maxed out, but it was a very different type of busy. Previously, I had always been rushing to and fro, and work thoughts and plans would occupy any mental spaces. Without family responsibilities, I could make myself available to friends and family whenever I or they needed it. Post-partum, life was suddenly not so flexible and the online world gave me the mental break away.

I started with simple reading, taking the time to be told the stories people wanted to tell. Then I started learning – deliberately seeking out challenging viewpoints and a cacophony of advice. Then I started engaging - posting, replying, commenting. All through the safety of an alias, and always retaining distance, but never the less becoming a part. Then I quietly started building.

I would not have managed the first years of food allergy parenting without the support that you can get online. It has been invaluable, and I am beyond grateful to the people that have dedicated so much time to helping others. Yet, several years down the line, I advise caution.

There is plenty of beauty to be seen, and I love a good staged home décor shot and flat lay as much as anyone, but if your mood is not at its best, it becomes a wealth of ammunition to compare yourself to. You can surf Instagram for hours seeing beautiful location after beautiful location and joyous occasion after joyous occasion - lives that you can envy and use as a yardstick for your own journey – and it is in this bubble that you need to carry your emergency pack of caution.

I learnt a lesson early, when someone I ‘followed’, and partly envied, died in incredibly unfortunate circumstances. It was an startlingly sad reminder that nothing is ever as it seems. However idyllic a life can appear, however easy and magical, there are always challenges. We just choose what we pick to share. I believe that everyone is entitled to that privacy, I crave mine, and so it is our responsibility to carry own filter and apply it regularly.

I am in no place to preach. I did not learn it well enough not to let it affect me here and there over the years, and I am quite sure I will fall foul of it over, and over, again. Online conversations have all the pitfalls of face to face conversations, but they also provide the opportunity for people to place less heart and understanding in their angrily typed responses. From the safe spot behind a keyboard, people can distance themselves from the pain that they cause. Some even feed on it, looking for it - though I suspect they would not always be quite so brave in person. I would hope not, at least.

My life is not insta-worthy, and I am, in the main, ok with that. Even on the days that I consider myself #blessed, when I am working in the garden or staring in awe at the joy exuding from my child, I have neither the time nor the energy to dedicate to framing it as perfect. It is a talent I do sometimes envy, but not enough to put in the energy to develop the skill. Whatever I bring to the table, that’s just not my calling – but that’s ok.

Amidst the considerable amount of clutter of everyday life, I will take my little joys where I can find them, in a life that will no doubt continue to bring its heart-breaking challenges. I will smile ruefully at the fact that even when I have a moment where I do have a cafetiere on a rustic tray, it will be balanced on a winter weathered garden chair that has a splattering of bird droppings. The cafetiere will be empty, the tray will be damaged and be very recently stained with what should have been tasty liquid. I may be writing in the garden, a dream I have had for years, but I will have cold coffee languishing in a mug that I was given as a leaving present from my brief stint working at a holiday park in my 20’s. A tiny bird will defecate on my finger as I type. We all bring our different to the table, and as long as it’s not bird poop, there is room for all of us.

As you do in ‘real life’, choose your online contacts wisely. Look for the same people you would gravitate to in person – the ones that bring beauty, but their own kind of beauty. Look for the ‘truth -tellers’, the helpers, the ones who are willing to be vulnerable. The ones who are willing to apologise and to learn. They are there in plenty. We all have bad days. We are all learning as we go, and we all make mistakes. We won’t all think the same, there will be many things that make us different. We won’t always agree, but that is where we learn – and as long as it is handled with grace and humility, that’s where you’ll find the joy.

I have mine. I hope you find yours.

As always, if you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, please consider whether you would benefit from accessing relevant support. See https://helplines.org/helplines

#instaworthy #writing #blogging #writinglife #onlinelife #comparison