The problem with the pack.

Yesterday was Pride in London. A day for celebrating diversity and inclusivity. A day for championing the freedoms to be who you are and celebrating the equal value in that. Most attendees had a glorious day of celebration - experiencing the joy of being a part of something, a community, with the freedom to be different within it.

Sadly, my twitter feed today was weighted by the news that a transphobic banner was carried within the march and what should have been a beautiful day for all, became spoilt for many.

It was also a World Cup England match yesterday, England vs. Sweden. Whilst most supporters and viewers happily celebrated a win with a drink or two in a local beer garden – ironically discussing the respect they have for an England manager who carries himself with class, comforts opposing team members and represents all that's good about a team sport - that’s also not what’s filling the news the day later either. Today I read about, or watch clips of, ‘supporters’ trashing an IKEA store, people on the top of a paramedic vehicle, leaving it out of service, and England fans in Benidorm clashing with police – even whilst carrying children on shoulders.

I wasn’t present at any of these events, wasn’t witness to what happened, how they started or how things shifted. I cannot comment on them specifically, but I am left wondering what is it about the human brain that means we can take the positives of community, of pride in belonging to something, and turn that in to a disrespect and sometimes dehumanisation of those things outside those limited boundaries? Why in celebrating what we love, do we look to enjoy the destruction of what does not neatly fit within it?

One argument is that we are biologically wired to both find a herd or pack and to conform within it. It is part of our survival instinct. Anyone outside of that entity becomes a threat or target/prey. Herd mentality and pack mentality describes how people can be influenced by peers to adopt behaviours based on emotion, rather than the rational thought they might usually apply.

We can get swept away in the energy of a crowd, and the approval or encouragement of that crowd, leaving our rational brain far behind. Our instinct is to follow the herd, be accepted and valued by it, and maintain our position within it. Inevitably this influences our decision making.

We may not be able to stop the instinctual urge to conform but, if we acknowledge it and factor it in when we do make decisions, we can limit its affect. I know in myself that I have made decisions I would not normally make when I am part of a group and I am conscious of my ‘need to please’ those around me when I am making decisions. I might want to be the person who has the courage to stand up for what is right, rather than to do what is popular, but it doesn’t mean I always achieve it in the moment. I’m glad to say I’ve never trashed a public vehicle or challenged armed police officers in the street, but on a day to day basis I still find value in weighing up how influenced I have been in making a decision when in a group structure. A quick and honest mental check of my motives gives me a bit more confidence that I am not being overly swayed. It will always be a work in progress for me and I acknowledge that.

In my case, I benefit massively from forethought. If your personal history suggests that you find yourself getting swept up in group-moments, avoid the situations where they are likely to happen. If you are swayed more by one group of friends than another, then chose to spend the days where a mob-moment is likely with other friends who are less likely to take you there. It’s not about taking the joy out of the moment. Its about leaving the joy in the moment and reducing the risk of it boiling and spoiling.

You don’t have to cut out large swathes of friendship groups from your life, just pick the moments where you enjoy your camaraderie. If you have that group of friends who always get in a fight after a few beers and you invariably end up being dragged in to it, even though you were just trying to calm things down, then it’s probably not a good idea to arrange an all-day drinking session whilst watching a World Cup England match. Maybe meet them on a Tuesday night for a couple of beers after work to ‘just catch up’ instead. Maybe you’re part of an online community that has been there for you and makes you feel supported, but you’ve noticed it can sometimes get a bit bitchy. Maybe you don’t like that part of it, but don’t feel quite safe enough to call it out and aren’t quite ready to quit it and find a more inclusive one? Then it’s probably not a good idea to meet up with them at blogging event - particularly if you’re all planning on enjoying a few glasses of wine and especially if you know that the writer that they all ‘can’t stand’ is also going to be there. You don't want to find yourself being a bully, even if it’s the ‘accidentally overheard’ type.

None of this is ‘rocket science’. It’s common sense and so may read as patronisingly obvious, but as we stare in dismay at behaviours we absolutely are sure we would not commit, it’s a timely and useful reminder for the smaller, less obvious, influences we can all sometimes regretfully find ourselves swayed by. I am physically cringing as I'm writing this. We all have our 'not so glorious' moments.

Value your pack and the support that they can provide you, protect your pack when they need your help, but respect your pack and let them make up their own minds if they disagree. It should also go without saying that you can simultaneously love your pack and absolutely respect those people outside of it. We don’t need to tear at each other’s throats like wild animals to survive these days.

As always, if you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, please consider whether you would benefit from accessing relevant support.

https://helplines.org/helplines

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Pride in London is organised by a group of volunteers who are passionate about equality and diversity – they believe, as their website states, that the role of Pride to provide a platform for every part of London’s LGBT+ community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, queer, questioning, intersex, non-binary, asexual, polysexual, genderqueer and gender variant people) and that Pride in London includes people of every race and faith, whether disabled or able-bodied, and all sexualities and genders including lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, queer, questioning, intersex, trans*, genderqueer, gender variant or non-binary as well as straight and cis allies. You can find out more about Pride in London at https://prideinlondon.org/

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