Thoughts from parenting in the middle of the night.

Sometimes national or world days, combine with real life events. Some thoughts from the end of #worlddaughtersday

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It is the middle of the night and I have been surfing the internet for an hour. My left thumb types as my right arm wraps itself around my daughter in an attempt to prop her up a little. Her breathing is not how it should be and I am waiting for medicine to kick in. The best case scenario is that I will pass the night here.

I was late to motherhood, as they sometimes say. My paperwork so very kindly said, ‘geriatric mother’. I didn’t feel old then. It was still my time. Years of great memories behind me and years of opportunities ahead, or at least that was how it felt. My child is still an infant, in the school sense, but I feel old now. Tired.

Back then, I was striding my way through my life. Life was never easy, but it did not feel this heavy.

I do not believe that a life is only half lived if you don’t have a child. Back then, I was not any less of a person, my life had no less overall meaning. Becoming a parent didn’t somehow make me more valuable to the universe, but it did make me the centre of someone else’s. This shift in orbit has sent me on a different trajectory and shaken me to my core. My world is fundamentally changed.

I love her like I have loved no one else. I have loved, and been loved, so greatly in my life, but this is different. Some days, the weight of that, and my worries for her, are so heavy. She is my joy and my fear made in to a bundle of sass and energy. Life will never be easy for her and that knowledge is a grey cloud above my heart. She is the reason I worry about the future and the reason I am grateful for my blessings. I want to simultaneously wrap her in a bubble and protect her from everything, whilst also wanting to open the world to her, for her to experience all the joys of life, and have her walk with experience, independence and self assurance. Every day my mind argues with itself to try and achieve the right balance. Risk vs. reward is unfortunately not an exact science - as this bedside vigil shows.

People will tell you I have changed, and some may feel not necessarily for the better. I am less free, have more fears and more controls. My day to day life was very different, but then life conspired a number of drastic changes in rather quick succession, so it’s not purely related to the birth of my daughter, but the change in mindset is. I changed irrevocably because being responsible for yourself is one thing, being partly responsible for other lives is another, but ultimate responsibility for another’s life and heart is something else.

I know our lives are not typical, but then I am ever more learning there is no such thing as typical. Our lives have been limited somewhat, by circumstance and factors out of our control, but they are filled with love. Sometimes grumpy, sometimes exasperated, but always love. Unconditional, primal, feel every pain in my placenta scar, love.

I may not be the best advocate. I may become emotional, forget some valid points in the argument and be too swayed by promises of an easy life, but I will always be her best advocate. There is no one more invested in her safety, well being, happiness and future.. I was blessed with the gift of her. Whatever mistakes I have made, and will make, I hope she looks back and thinks the same of me.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, please consider whether you would benefit from accessing relevant support.

https://helplines.org/helplines

#highcroftwriting #words #worlddaughterday #parenting #love