UK National Carers Week 2018 - Remembering yourself.
- HIGHCROFT WRITING
- Oct 12, 2018
- 3 min read
Ahead of the UK's National Carers Week 2018, which commences on June 11th, we are focusing on the importance of remembering yourself when caring for others.
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I took a step out of the room, to give the new visitor space, and the hospice nurse spoke to my mother. “She’s a natural. She would make a good carer.”
I smiled at what I felt was a compliment, but my normally polite mother was too quick in response. “No. No! She’s too sensitive, takes things to heart, feels things too deeply. It would break her.”
It felt like an insult and a stark truth all in one extended breath. I didn’t want to, but I realised I agreed with her.
I have only ever cared for loved ones - a Grandmother in the depths of dementia, a Great Aunt needing company in her final stage in a hospice, and a Grandad who just needed chauffeuring, shopping, food prepped, vacuuming done, but mostly just company to fend off loneliness. I have never been a true carer, and I have never done it alone or 24/7. It has always been temporary, unpaid, and really just being a loving relative during a difficult period, but each time gave me an insight in to the tiredness, the exhaustion, that comes from the responsibility.
Like parenting, you become responsible for a sometimes fragile, sometimes unpredictable, life that does not always want you to have that responsibility. However grateful they may be for your support, they want to be who they were before, or who their body and mind won’t let them be. They want to be a person who doesn’t need someone else to take charge.
Sometimes it was the physical work, the non stop activity, but mainly it felt like the mental load on a brain that was not allowed to switch off.
During each of these periods, I noticed that an overarching thing I had in common with the person I was caring for was the lack of self autonomy. They cannot do what they want to do, not without you, and your actions are dictated by their needs. You are not ‘free’ to make the daily little decisions based solely on your own needs and wants. You can’t always go to the bathroom when you need to, take that five minutes of peace, or grab a moments rest. You’re tied together, neither getting the freedom of the daily aspects of self determination.
A quick web search will show the results of studies undertaken to understand the effects of self determination - how emotional well being is negatively affected by the loss of it, and how we are, inevitably, positively affected by its presence.
It is why even brief periods of time away from the demands of caring are so key for the ongoing mental well-being of a carer. Balancing the needs of the person you are caring for with the needs that you have, is vital to keep yourself from depleting your mental and emotional reserves.
Numerous parenting blogs will extol the virtues of taking time, however brief, for 'self care’ and they often recommend quick and easy suggestions to apply to daily life, to prevent being swamped by the responsibility of always being present for someone else.
These suggestions will work just as well for any caring role. Searching the web for ‘self care’ advice will bring up plenty of options for you to consider. It is important, however, to pick out the ones that ring most true to you, and not allow them to become a chore in themselves.
It is about remembering that you need to be present for yourself in order to be present for someone else. It is not you being selfish, but you being sensible.
I am, as always, fully aware that is easier to say than it is to do. I am ever the one guilty of ignoring my own knowledge and advice, but I encourage you to take this moment to think about what little things rejuvenate you - and how you can give yourself a piece of that. However big, however small, you deserve it.
If you need support, and there will absolutely be times that you will, be sure to ask for it. One way or another, at one time or another, we all need help, and you deserve it as much as the person that you are helping.
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If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, please consider whether you would benefit from accessing relevant support.
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